How to Navigate Body Talk Over the Holidays
By Alexandra Pool, LPC
“Wow I wish I could eat like that and still look like you.”
“Did you see your cousin tonight? Looks like they gained a few since last Thanksgiving.”
“We will all need to go on a diet tomorrow after this meal.”
“You look great- did you lose weight? Tell me your secret!”
Any of these comments sound like they could come from your holiday dinner table? As much as you’d think people would know by now that commenting on someone else's appearance is not appropriate, holiday get-togethers with family and friends always prove that we still have a long way to go. At one point over the holiday season most people will find themselves caught up in a conversation where physical appearance, diets, and weight are at the center of the conversation. Even hearing someone make a disparaging comment about their own body can have a negative impact on how we view our own bodies and eating habits. It’s only human to worry what people are thinking about our bodies if they are thinking so critically about theirs.
Regardless of the intention behind these comments, receiving an unsolicited comment about your appearance or the bodies of others over the holidays can feel really uncomfortable. It can be hard to know what to say in response other than “thank you” or ignore it all together, especially if you are afraid of being labeled as ‘rude’ or ‘disrespectful’ by family members or friends. Yet if you or anyone around you is struggling with negative body image and disordered eating, staying silent may come at the cost of your mental health or recovery.
Prepping in advance for how to best navigate these conversations can be critical to persevering your holiday experience. You have a right to set boundaries around any topic that is detrimental towards your overall well-being.
Whether we like it or not, someone will inevitably say something about your body (or the bodies of others) over the holiday season. Talking about physical appearance is so normalized in our culture, so your family members or friends may not realize the impact their casual comments may have on you or others around them. While we may want to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume there is no malicious intent behind their comments, you can also set boundaries around these conversations in a kind and clear way.
Before you head into the holiday season, here are a few tips on how to navigate these tricky conversations with family and friends.
There is no “right” way to respond
There is no perfect way to respond- you may not say what you hope or wish when the moment comes. Be compassionate with yourself. Navigating discomfort and setting boundaries is hard.
It’s important to start off by setting realistic expectations for yourself and others. Expect your family to show up as themselves and plan accordingly. If your family tends to escalate quickly into arguments or spiteful comments when presented with boundaries, you are going to want to handle things differently than if your family is receptive and calm in the face of feedback. There is not a one-size-fits-all response to body comments so it's important to figure out what feels most authentic to you.
No matter what the comment entails, a simple and clear response you can use is, "Making comments about people’s bodies and appearances isn’t really appropriate, helpful, kind, etc.”
Sharing how the comment is landing with you in the moment is an effective way to get your voice and feelings across. You can follow it up with setting boundaries around future conversations with, "Moving forward I would appreciate it if you didn't make comments about my body or anyone else’s appearance.”
When someone compliments you…
One of the more difficult situations to navigate is when the comment is intended to be a compliment but it makes you feel uncomfortable. While it may feel unnatural to not smile and say ‘thank you’, it’s important that you speak up about how this comment makes you feel. You might want to start off with, "I know your comment is well-intended but I am trying to focus less on my appearance and would appreciate if you could do the same.”
While it is by no means your job to educate every person that makes a comment about body size or diets at your holiday gatherings, it may be helpful to your friend or family member to hear why it's important to steer away from commenting on others’ appearance.
This could sound like, "I realized that commenting on someone's appearance places emphasis on there being a right or better way to look- which isn’t true.”
You can share more about what you are doing differently as a means of normalizing the unlearning we must do as a society when it comes to the way we discuss bodies.
“I am working to have more neutral thoughts about all bodies.”
“When it comes to compliments, I am working to focus on more meaningful comments about their personality, career, hobbies, etc.”
When the comment stings…
If the comment is hurtful, you have every right to express that. Silencing yourself in response to mean comments from others only further hurts yourself.
It may be difficult but you can simply say one of the following, "That comment really hurt my feelings. Please do not make comments about my appearance moving forward."
"I feel disrespected by what you said. In the future, I would appreciate it if you did not make comments about my body.”
“For the sake of my own wellbeing I have to walk away from this conversation.”
"I am working really hard to overcome my own negative beliefs about my appearance, so you talking about my appearance is really unhelpful for me to hear right now."
How to change the tone…
If the comment is not towards you directly, but about someone else’s body, you can use this as an opportunity to educate others about the potential harm in making comments about weight and appearance. A person’s body and physical appearance is personal. We have no idea how someone is feeling about their body or what they are going through. It is almost always inappropriate to make any sort of remark about someone else’s body.
In these situations you can say, "Hey, I am working to not comment about other people's appearance because I realized it is often unhelpful and inappropriate, even though our society normalizes it.” From there you can share whatever feels appropriate to you from your own experience or insights from movements such as body acceptance and Health At Every Size. Let them know that so many of the beliefs we hold about health and body size come from marketing techniques, not scientific evidence. Providing a little bit of education may help friends and family members become more aware of the negative impact these kinds of negative body image conversations can have.
Last but not least, in the face of comments about appearance, you can also simply change the subject. You do not need to engage in a conversation that you do not want to. Remember, you have a choice! Intervening with a change of topic can help break the cycle of body bashing or diet talk that can spiral out of control over the holidays.
If they continue to bring up topics related to your appearance, or anyone else's, it is beneficial to be direct and state, "I am not comfortable discussing this right now.” Setting boundaries and pushing against the norm can feel daunting, especially with those you care most about. Yet setting boundaries and giving feedback to others does not make you a bad person. While it’s uncomfortable to say this in the short term, it is beneficial in creating your long-term peace at family functions.
Take care of yourself first
In the wake of receiving comments from others about your appearance- both positive or negative- it's normal to feel more hyper aware and self conscious of your looks. When all else fails you can walk away from any conversation, family gathering, or social event at any time.
Often other peoples’ comments about your body means more about the emphasis they place on their own body size and judgments they hold about their appearance than it does about you. Take care of yourself emotionally and physically as you sift through the internal discomfort, reminding yourself that your physical appearance is a small part of who you are and by no means a determination of your worth as a person.