You Don’t Need to Love Your Body. Now or Ever.
Many of us have struggled with our relationship with our bodies. From childhood, we’ve been flooded with messages that have conditioned us to not like nor even accept the body that we currently have. We’ve been told that our bodies are not good enough if they fall outside of what is deemed acceptable by society. or if they have even the slightest “imperfection.” This could be anything from belly fat, stretch marks, double chins, or even thighs that touch. So, unless you look exactly like a supermodel, you are less than satisfactory. Enter the diet industry and its promise of weight loss and ultimate happiness!
“Just please remember that your body image WILL vacillate and that this does not make you a failure - it makes you human.”
Before continuing, I want to state my belief in body autonomy, which means that you have the absolute right to choose to do what is best for your body - including dieting or engaging in weight loss behaviors. I also am a believer in informed consent (therapist, remember?) and my hope is that you take a pause to consider if your weight loss endeavors are truly benefitting and serving you. After that, do what you feel is best for you!
Alright, back to it: The diet industry doesn’t tell us hat 95% of diets fail - yes, 95% of diets fail. They fail for a number of reasons, one of which being that severely restricting your food intake (coupled with intensive exercise) stretches your body beyond its comfort zone, a concept known as weight set point. Research suggests that our bodies work to regulate our weight within a certain range and that this is where our bodies feel most comfortable and healthy. The weight set point range is determined by a number of factors including your DNA, medications, medical history, environmental and lifetime experiences.
This unrealistic standard of beauty has been glorified in the media through TV shows, movies, magazines, billboards, and now, more so than ever, through social media. For those of us who have struggled to feel worthy based off of how we feel in our bodies, we’ve felt the devastation and self-loathing of body hatred. Many believe that in order to finally feel confident or satisfied in our bodies, we have to love our bodies. And in order to move from hating our bodies to loving our bodies, we need to change our bodies. So, we can either hate our bodies OR we can love our bodies through either making them “perfect” with weight loss or by pretending that we love them with body positivity!
What is body positivity? It began in the 1960’s as a response to widespread fatphobia and evolved into a movement that advocated for those in all marginalized bodies, specifically people of color, to love their bodies unapologetically. Today, the body positivity movement promotes celebrating your body and joyously embracing all of your body’s “imperfections.” This is a lovely concept AND the idea that you have to love and be proud of your body is a damn near impossible standard that leaves many feeling left out and even hopeless. When you are healing from hating your body, you can’t expect yourself to go from 0-100. Certainly not at first and possibly not ever. Body image exists on a spectrum and can vacillate on any given day.
I want to present the concept of body image as a non-static spectrum. Bodies change. It's natural, normal, and perfectly okay. Your body image will also fluctuate, and this will happen whether or not your body changes. You will not live in one state of being with your body forever, and so it is normal to vacillate with "good," "so-so," or "bad" body image days.
Here is my version of the body image spectrum:
Let’s break it down:
Body Hatred: Believing that your body is inherently bad. You may blame your body for disappointments, avoid connecting with yourself or other, and experience disgust, loathing, and contempt towards your body.
Body Respect: Understanding that your body functions for you* and it is deserving of care, nourishment, and compassion regardless of how you feel about it.
Body Neutrality: Acknowledging that your body is deserving of respect without hate as it is. Separating worth from your appearance.
Body Acceptance/Peace: Coming to terms with your body existing in the shape/size that it does and feeling okay or peaceful about it.
Body Positivity/Love: Celebrating your body at any shape, with any imperfection. Feeling tender, loving, and joyous in your body and liking how you look.
*Cultivating body respect is not easy. This is compounded when it comes to lack of safety (emotional and otherwise) that exist for those in marginalized bodies - LGBTQ+, non- white, disabled, fat, etc. There are very real world implications such as weight stigma, homophobia, racism, and ableism that can make it incredibly challenging to focus on how your body serves you. You are allowed to be angry and you are allowed to grieve. While allowing yourself to hold space for your lived truths, try to focus on the basic functions that your body performs, such as your heart beating to keep you alive.
“The body neutral approach allows for a sense of appreciation and acceptance that while you may be dissatisfied with your body, it inherently deserves respect.”
When I am working with clients, I encourage aiming first for body respect and then trying to live in body neutrality as the default. The body neutral approach allows for a sense of appreciation and acceptance that while you may be dissatisfied with your body, it inherently deserves respect. It does not force fake body positivity that may feel completely unrealistic. When you have a baseline of neutrality that is rooted in respect, you certainly CAN experience body positivity.
So, you don’t have to love your body to eliminate the toxic internalized messages of diet culture. Start with respect and aim for body neutrality. If you are able to experience moments - maybe even more than moments - of acceptance, peace, positivity, or love - Amazing! Soak it in! Post that selfie! Just please remember that your body image WILL vacillate and that this does not make you a failure - it makes you human.