Confessions of a People Pleaser: Rediscovering One’s Voice in Relationships
People-pleasing is often an attempt to get needs met by saying yes. We say yes to things that make us uncomfortable or go against our values to maintain relationships and keep people close. We have learned this is the way to earn or gain the love we so desperately desire. Unfortunately, this position doesn’t work in the way we think it does. In my personal life, I have had to reevaluate how I engage with others. I used to tell myself, I couldn’t express or share my needs when my thoughts were contrary to those around me. I was fearful I would be met with rejection, so I made it a habit to hide my true feelings. It helped me to fit in and avoid causing a stir, but in the process, I was rejecting myself. I believed the lie that if I took up space or expressed myself honestly, my relationships would change and people would leave.
As a partially reformed people pleaser, I have learned four things that have helped me. I hope they’ll help you too.
Firstly, I think it’s important to point out that the desire we’re looking to fulfill requires us to be dishonest with ourselves at times. In other words, the people were engaging with are not getting to know us fully, but the version of us we think they need or want.
Secondly, people-pleasing is a coping mechanism utilized to maintain control and avoid confrontation, which is an important part of building connections in relationships.
Thirdly, people-pleasing stunts the depth of a relationship. Our relationships can only go as far as our vulnerability. Vulnerability is to open oneself up to being known and seen within the loving confines of a healthy relationship. Without vulnerability, we’re not being honest with ourselves or the other person, setting ourselves up for a counterfeit. The love, affection, and acceptance we seek don’t exist apart from being ourselves.
Lastly, fear of unmet expectations, disappointment, and rejection keep us in this people-pleasing cycle where the goal is to maintain safety not build connection. When the primary goal is self-preservation, we’re not allowing ourselves to be known which is an essential part of building a healthy relationship dynamic.
Ways to avoid people-pleasing tendencies is to get better acquainted with yourself; and work on developing and building your values. You want people to experience YOU and to get there you have to be intentional about growing awareness of yourself.
Brené Brown has a great worksheet to get you started. The worksheet is a downloadable PDF made available to aid in unlocking oneself. It includes a list of values along with thought-provoking questions to get you started on your journey. Next, process what it means to be authentically you. Think about what you enjoy, what you like, what you want, and what you need. These questions are helpful when it comes to building trust in yourself and forming healthy relationships. It also helps develop a deeper understanding of why you respond the way you do.
In closing, here are a few questions to ponder:
1.What are you truly looking for out of your relationships?
2. How are you going about getting your needs met?
3. Is the goal connection or keeping peace to maintain the relationship?
Side note: If you need to consistently downplay your feelings to manage people’s perceptions of you or keep them happy, it’s not the right relationship for you.
4. What do you fear will happen if you express your needs?
The road ahead will likely be bumpy, but worth it. Regaining freedom and finding your voice is always worth it. There is no better time to start than now! Your authentic self is waiting to arise and shine.
If you want to explore this work further, fill out a contact form to work with Danielle and she will be in touch with you directly!